The Mirror and the Window… through the KeyHole of mental health.
THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS
It is time to share life experiences of the path to becoming an R.N and working as a R.N, in relationship to mental health. I like many have had the mental health labels in my PMHx, and what a GIFT to have explored the darkness and no longer have any attachment to any of them. No matter the past, U can rewire the mind-body pathways. You are a GIFT!
LIFE happens for YOU, not too you.
It makes sense as I was deep in my Victim & Trauma cyclical patterns, which served to PROTECT what was deeper (innocence). You will never OPEN when you feel unsafe, unseen and unheard.
So, shifting 'Victim to Freedom is MISUNDERSTOOD, SUPPRESSED and MISDIRECTED (I believe) in the area of mental health & psychiatry.'
It is DESIGNED to keep U trapped.
Controlled and in a box.
I had to be put in the box to understand the system, from BOTH sides of the GLASS. As experience gathered in a degree is NOWHERE near 'Real Life experiences'
A Nurse in becoming ...
My nursing career came to an end in 2017, 26-years in the industry. A fun & colourful journey, where resistance began as a student nurse where my CHARACTER was up for review.
I’d disclosed in CONFIDENCE why I had been absent many days in my nurse training. I disclosed sensitive and personal information. The abuse, the broken noses, a smashed up face and the deep psychological and emotionally abuse in my current relationship and the most sensitive part, my No, ignored when not wanting sex.
I was experiencing ‘Domestic violence and sex without consent (rape)’. I was SCREAMING out for help and my VULNERABILITY got thrown back in my face and I was REMOVED from practice! As I was labelled HIGH RISK’ at harming patients as APPARENTLY, I was deemed UNSAFE, UNSTABLE . Thus, ‘removed from practice.’
Sure, I was numbing out on self-harm, alcohol, weed, Ecstasy at the weekends. I LIVED for the weekends, as in those moments of LOOSING myself, I felt FREE from the inner judgment, the self-loathing. I felt accepted and DANCE was my medicine. PAIN was one of my addictions and it was the pathway that OPENED my eyes to the WISDOM I got to awaken in the BODIES.
Anti-depressants or Valium were OK, in their eyes, also in my body chemistry.
I was 'flat lining'
I like many was the OPEN BOOK.
Sharing my story as I was seeking validation.
Thinking it was who I was.
VULNERABILITY getting misused.
I had a deep and visceral longing and need to be heard, seen and loved. I felt powerless, hopeless & worthless. I was clutching at straws to PUSH myself through the shame of staying in the abuse and not being able to ‘Fix it’, and the shame of not loving myself enough to WALK away. I felt like an emotional fuck up, so getting into nursing was a way to help and care for other’s. As I was unable to do for myself, it was MASK to feel worthy and RESPECTED in society. I felt UNLOVEABLE and that it was ALL MY FAULT.
Cut a long story short, as You can buy and read my Memoir, ‘Breaking FREE’. It is book you’ll read over and over and most will relate to the story. The TRUTH is I came back stronger, and anything they tried to hang onto me, I gave it back to them, even harder. I shone a light on their SHIT and told them they were NOTHING in the bigger picture of my GREAT life, and that they best get out my way, as I will MOW them down.
Everything they presented me to jump through, I excelled. My SPIRIT SOARED and RESILIENCE strengthened. I did what I needed to do. Two others, didn’t make it, they left broken, and spat out.
Post graduation, the greatest joke of all, being given a piece of paper that was useless. I was UNABLE to get a job as I was marked me as;
‘NOT GOOD CHARACTER!’
I worked UNDER COVER for 3 months around the same time I was living out the back of my car (where I ended up being shacked up at ‘another abusive BF’ parents house) Mary Macmillan, a psychiatric Nurse Consultant was my ANGEL. SHE saw me from day one, she saw my FIRE and PASSION and scooped me up by giving me the OPPORTUNITY to work under an alias, in her facility.
Yes, like a special Ninja Agent, my CODE name was Rachel. The head of my college, her son worked there. And yes, the CONFIDENCE of my story leaked and dinner conversation for around their family table.
Mary got me out of there, gave me 3 months experience mark off, even though I only made a month. It was my 'way in' to get my first R.N position.
ALL to find a way out…..to follow my path. So, I know what it is like to be stuck in a SYSTEM that fears anything and anyone that has PASSION and does not fit into the social mould. Getting out of the country I needed a letter from the Nursing college, and that is another old story. I’ve been watched most of my life and I’ll share more down the track. This is a gentle WARM up.
ONE other thing… This is KEY!!
I STOPPED SHARING MY STORY, with those that would JUDGE me, like in my final mental health Assessment.
‘Inside information there’, since tears are not seen as vulnerability, they a JUDGED as mentally unstable. BE STOIC and NUMB!! Lol
I pretended to have all my shit together, walk in confident, even through I was feeling raw, angry and a deep inner rage brewing within my cells.
I felt unheard, unseen and my life path up for REVIEW.
Fast forward many years…
Reflecting upon my nursing career, what mostly comes to mind is how easy it is to impact others by many simply being yOUR authentic self.
The Art of being human, in a world of opinion and judgment, and the humility & compassion to remember how easy it is to fall off the rails. How getting lost in the inner darkness is a rites of passage and the courage to become unstuck & unstable. How else can TRUE INNER TRANSFORMATION happen, when holding on in normality, complacently and FEAR.
The power of resilience and vulnerability, as a free human spirit is UNTAPPED for many.
Until U address the NUMBNESS, then U will never feel and thus, never truly heal. And many working in the system are numb!
PSYCHOSIS … is experiencing a WIDER VIEW of the world, in a very INTENSE WINDOW, yet, not having the FOUNDATIONAL nervous system capacity to make sense of it, let alone, be seen, heard and VALIDATED for the IN-sights. The CLARITY of accelerated OPENING.
So, the brain shuts down as a protective mechanism as the individual is not READY to FULLY WAKE UP.
Conscious is evolving, in all.
It is why we are all here in this DIVINE assimilation of consciousness,
experiencing itself through OUR human forms.
How easy coming undone can be viewed as weakness, and yet, it is a powerful portal and opportunity for TRANSFORMATION.
I write this as I see so many in humanity bound in their fear of coming unstuck, fear of being called ‘unstable’ and being JUDGED.
It is time for mental health & psychiatry to EVOLVE.
It is time to REMEMBER how fragile life is.
It is TIME to listen to those WHO have been on BOTH sides of the glass!!
To you the reader
You may have been on the ‘being observed’ side of the glass. The patient.
You may have been the ‘Observing the patient’ side of the glass. The R.N / the Doctor?
No matter where we stand … the inner self-talk is within ALL.
The window of judgment.
The window of opinion.
The window of shame.
The window of self-loathing.
The window of ugliness.
What side of the glass are you standing on?ANDWhat perspective are you seeing from?
How is the LENS of your opinion & your judgment?It is SMEARED with prejudice and the wounds of your past?It is CLOUDED by never exploring beyond?
Imagine this, being a fish in a fish bowl.
I found myself with a natural affinity to the patients, clients… they were drawn to my ‘different’ look.
I found myself being judged, commented on without being asked by other nursing staff.
You are just like them.
I’d laugh. It was a COMPLIMENT.
We’d been standing in the internal garden moving our bodies with Tai Chi / fluidity mobility moves with our shoes off. Even playfully pretending to kick on another like badass ninjas. We were connecting and creating REAL connection in humanness, kindness and compassion. Acts of seeing others.
The ignorance runs deep, as I am sure it is NOW a part go the program. I did my best to get it introduced in 2009, it was seen as FLUFFY.
There is a FINE line between crazy and genius. Most geniuses are shunned until they become famous after they are long gone.
I was REPRIMANDED for ‘elevating the patients’
For EMPOWERING suicidal patients with:
‘I AM worthy - I AM Loveable and I am POWERFUL’ statements.
APPARENTLY, I was making them more likely to jump off the Gap ( A famous suicide jump into the ocean in Sydney.)
Like, really…..it makes NO SENSE. It's ALL BACKWARDS.
I don’t know about you, yet, feeling good, you don’t want to do bad stuff to yourself. You nourish YOU.
The system is WIRED the opposite and I really hope it has changed.
The experience that really stands out for me, still to this day brings a lump into my throat and I feel the tears well up.
It was a day that I stood as an ADVOCATE for a 17-year old girl / young woman. She was my reflection of who I had been and this is what I feel the true meaning of Angels coming into your life, truly means.
I pause to ask myself, what parts are relevant to share.
It is not about the story, as all she stared in her mental health assessment which was heard my a well know Psychiatrist and his registrar.
I was her chaperone, in the room where her life hung in the balance of JUDGMENT, in that moment.
I sat with her and aligned my energy to hers, so she felt my presence, unwavering love and supporting her.
After she left the room, the shit hit the fan!
I witnessed her story being, snuffed and laughed at, as they REJECTED her truth.
‘This would never happen, she is making it up, and she is DELUSIONAL’
I felt my inner rage bubble up and I feeling really uncomfortable, I CHOSE to STEP UP for us both!
I pushed my chair back, so it scratched upon the floor to get their attention. Then, I expressed the following:
‘I am conflicted right now, I am sitting here as The Nurse, in a professional scenario and yet, I am choosing to RISK it all, and expose aspects of my past.
I stand with this INNOCENT young woman, who had attempted to end her life, we formed a connection as I SAW her as her HIGHER Self. I did not see the flaws, I saw a young women attempting to find herself, getting used & abused. Lost & confused of the meaning of LOVE and looking for love in the not so nice places. I am a VOICE for her, an ADVOCATE, this is my role as a R.N and human. I am willing to STAND for another in her time of VULNERABILITY, JUDGE me, I don’t care. You laugh, you mutter jokes to one another, and you dismiss her story, and yet, her story was me, at 17 years old.’
This happens more than you realise, and it is time to start LISTENING! This is not a place for arrogance!
Their jaws dropped and they both looked at me, I saw their shame rise to the surface.
I felt sick to my gut, and I wanted to run.
I felt the redness in my face, my throat tighten and my chest felt like it was going to explode.
'You did not know, that you did not know, AND this is an opportunity to be and do better.
‘You are LOVED, you are enough and I will leave U with this..never feel YOU have to share your story with those that do not see you. I see you and you will shift beyond this. It is all in your notes, which they can READ. Your story was my own at 17 years old and I believe in you. This is a part of your ever expanding jOURney and an opportunity to shift things. ’
WHY do I share this?
To SHIFT Victim to Freedom.
If this STIRRED something deeper, then U are on track!
Healing is not linear.
Upcoming events to spends time & play with me!
IGNITE THE HEALER WITHIN - 8th October - Newcastle - BOOK IN
SACRED rage - October 22nd - Adelaide - BOOK here
'The Future HueMan Experience'
a 13-week Portal - Launches October, 2022.
Webinar on it's way!
'Ideal for those that experienced the darkness of life, addictions of the past, and interested in EVOLVING HEALING, HealthCare and Education.
Yes, I AM, We are about to DISRUPT the systems.
Balance is required and there is a MUCH Simpler WAY.
WE CAME HERE FOR A BIGGER MISSION.
I love to write and share direct life experiences as the explorer of Self.