The Mirror and the Window.
THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS OF MENTAL HEALTH.
Shifting 'Victim to Freedom' I believe is misunderstood, misused and misdirected in the area's of mental health & psychiatry.'
The system is designed to keep you trapped and controlled and in a box with labels attached. For many the key has been lost and the window of opportunity clouded and sadly for some, no longer there.
I had to be put in the box to understand the system, from both sides of the glass house. As experience gathered in an academic degree is nowhere near 'real life experiences'
A NURSE IN BECOMING ...
My nursing career came to an end in 2017, a colourful and extensive 26-years in the industry. A journey where resistance was met as an opinionated, feisty student nurse. I'll add, each a key strength when your character is up for review and judgment.
WHY?
I’d disclosed in confidence sensitive and personal information. I was experiencing ‘Domestic violence and my no, ignored, yes, sex without consent (rape)’. The physical, sexual abuse and the deep psychological and emotionally abuse in my current relationship.
I was screaming out for help and my trust & vulnerability thrown back in my face. I was removed from practice, and labelled 'HIGH RISK’ at harming patients as I was deemed unsafe and unstable.
My honesty reprimanded.
My trust broken.
At the time I was numbing out on physical self-harm as to feel pain was something beyond the numbness. I was drinking alcohol, smoking weed, exploring with psychedelics in fields and popping ecstasy at the weekends. I lived for moments of loosing myself in dancing and the music as I felt FREE from inner judgment & the self-loathing. I felt accepted and seen, dancing was my medicine. Pain another addictions and yet it was the pathway that opened my eyes to the wisdom I got to awaken in the body.
Anti-depressants or Valium were OK, in their eyes, yet, my body chemistry was a mess.
I was 'flat lining, numb and dead on the inside.'
Like many I was the open book, sharing my story as a way to feel validated for my past trauma and pain. It is who I thought I was, exchanging my sacred essence in order to feel moments of love, vulnerability misused, abused and ignored.
I had a deep and visceral longing and need to be heard, seen and loved. I felt powerless, hopeless & worthless. I was clutching at straws to push myself through the shame of staying in the abuse and not being able to ‘Fix it’, and the shame of not loving myself enough to walk away. I felt like an emotional fuck up, so getting into nursing was a way to help and care for other’s. As I was unable to do for myself, it was mask to feel worthy and respected in society. I felt unloveable and that it was all my fault.
Cut a long story short, buy and read my Memoir, ‘Breaking FREE’. It is book you’ll read over and over and most will relate to the story. The truth is I came back stronger, and anything they tried to hang onto me, I gave it back to them, even harder. I shone a light on the game and told them they were nothing in the bigger picture of the great life, and that they best get out my way, as I will mow them down.
Everything they presented me to jump through, I excelled. My spirit soared and resilience strengthened. I did what I needed to do. Two others, didn’t make it, they left broken, and spat out.
Post graduation, the greatest joke of all, being given a piece of paper that was useless. I was unable to get a job as I was marked me as;
‘NOT GOOD CHARACTER!’
I worked undercover for 3 months around the same time I was living out the back of my car (where I ended up being shacked up at ‘another abusive BF’ parents house) Mary Macmillan, a psychiatric Nurse Consultant was my angel. She saw me from day one, she saw my fire and passion and scooped me up by giving me the opportunity to work under an alias, in her facility.
My cide name was Rachel. The head of my college, her son worked there. And confidential and sensitive details of my story leaked over dinner conversations around their family table.
Mary got me out of there, gave me 3 months experience as a mark off, even though I only made one month. It was my 'way in' to get my first R.N position. I never looked back and deep gratitude for Mary.
ALL to find a way out and follow my path.
I know what it is like to be stuck in a system that fears anything and anyone that has passion and does not fit into the social mould. Getting out of the UK, required a letter from the Nursing college, and that is another old story. I’ve been watched most of my life and I’ll share more down the track. This is a gentle warm up.
One other thing as this is key!!
I STOPPED SHARING MY STORY, with those that would judge me.
‘Inside information there’, since tears are not seen as vulnerability, they a judged as mentally instability. Being stoic and numb is less paperwork for the system.
I was sent for a 'mental health assessment.' I pretended to have all my shit together, walk in confident, even through on the inside I was raw, angry with a deep inner rage brewing.
I felt unheard, unseen and my life path up for review.
Fast forward many years…
As I reflect upon my nursing career what mostly comes to mind is how easy it is to impact others by many simply being your authentic and naturally human self.
The Art of being human is not so easy in a world of public opinion and judgment. It takes humility & compassion to remember how easy it is to fall off the rails and the path of a well being is deeply connected to self-love, self-worth and self-respect. My path like many explorers of self was to get lost in inner darkness as a rites of passage, and the courage to become unstuck & unstable, and re-build from the inside out..
The power of resilience and vulnerability is a process in becoming as the free human spirit is trapped under the skin of numbness, disconnection and dissociative behaviours.
Until you address the numbness then you will never feel and thus, never truly heal. And sadly, many working in the system are numb!
Psychosis is experiencing a wider view of the world, in a very intense download window. The challenge is that the nervous system lacks foundational capacity to make sense of it, let alone, be seen, heard and validated for the insights and clarity of accelerated consciousness opening up.
The brain shuts down as a protective mechanism as the individual is not ready to FULLY WAKE UP, which translates to a level of awareness that are ready to access.
Conscious is evolving on the planet.
We are all here in within an assimilation of consciousness learning about and knowing itself, in human form.
It is easy to see coming undone / temporary instability as weakness, and yet, it is a powerful opportunity for transformation.
I write this as I see many bound in fears of loosing it, being labelled ‘unstable’ and the biggest of all, being judged.
It is time for mental health & psychiatry to evolve.
It is time to remember how fragile life is and to listen to those who have been on both sides of the glass!!
True inner transformation requires an 'unravelling and letting go'. The holding onto so called normality, complacently is driven by fear.
The greatest fears are 'rejection and abandonment.'
How is the lens of your opinion & your judgment?
To you the reader...
You may have been on the ‘being observed’ side of the glass.ie: The patient.
You may have been on the ‘Observing the patient’ side of the glass. The R.N / the Doctor?
No matter where we stand, inner self-talk is REAL and plays out within ALL.
- The window of judgment.
- The window of opinion.
- The window of shame.
- The window of self-loathing.
- The window of ugliness.
What side of the glass are you standing on?AND what perspective are you seeing from?
WHY do I share this?
To shift 'Victim to Freedom.'
To open your heart by sharing a little piece of why I am so passionate about living an authentic life and rewiring the mind-body.
You are a powerful human.
I was silenced for years, yet, what I know is that nervous systems intuitively knows as those that relate to my work are drawn into the space as Soul knows.
Your greatest gifts are compressed, polished many times in the darkness as it is where innocence is remembered.
Healing is not linear it is a twisting and winding road with many paths to explore, much like a labyrinth of beauty, magick and the ever evolving -unravelling you.
Check out mantra meditation as this is a golden key to rewire the mind-body and a vital foundation for shifting victim to freedom.
